The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A:
No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he
ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the
perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two
things?
Girl: Your feet.
Submitted by Bob Waldman
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said,
"Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well,
son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Submitted by BH LEE
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him
"What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that
includes this type of grammer.)
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor:
'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly
too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
Submitted
by: Adriana Luchetti
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The
doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it
really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really,
really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken
your finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take
the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene
Pellegrini
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever
pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to
whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age
I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about
having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail
re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a
boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I
didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you
mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco
Moltó
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What
have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What
do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't
think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a
taxi.
Submitted by Cláudia Almeida
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B:
No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Submitted by Joe,
from Indiana
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then
she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours.
What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course
not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write
5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What
are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other
5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan
When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is
ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask:
"White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the
phone.
Submitted by Maria Crisitna Codorniz
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY
I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in
God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain
his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to
him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you
stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your
bank account.
Submitted by kara
dolson
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar
bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No.
I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying
it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted
by Jim Sperling
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man
replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage
dump.."
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very
much.
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a
shower."
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of
fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer :
What? Do you think I can't buy more?
Submitted by Safnil
(Bengkulu University Indonesia)
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I
didn't wear it."
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I
don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the
mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away
scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and
said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
Submitted by Jeanne
Ramirez
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When
they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle
said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he
got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles
said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped
up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The
student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker
please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Submitted by:
Mouhssin
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the
dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted
by Fred G. Stone
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A:
Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Submitted by: Janekt Ho
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get
a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are
all the others running?Submitted by: Girish Chavan
