Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
Submitted by lisbeth
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)
Submitted by Joan M. Diez Cliville
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
Submitted by Eric Vadot
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen
There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues
One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.
This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand. REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon
(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart
Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment. Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Submitted by George L. Washington
My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
Submitted by Jozef Karpat
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?Submitted by r.d.
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
Submitted by lisbeth
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)
Submitted by Joan M. Diez Cliville
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
Submitted by Eric Vadot
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen
There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues
One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.
This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand. REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon
(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart
Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment. Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Submitted by George L. Washington
My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
Submitted by Jozef Karpat
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?Submitted by r.d.
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