Three Things to Remember in Life Hindi

Three Things to Remember in Life Hindi Quotes

Always keep three things I cherish life, Will need a lot of work.
1. Knowing where did pick up from there.
2. Be sure to grab everyone will benefit further.
3. Be not make friends because no one should be required to shoulder the public what at what time.

ज़िन्दगी मैं ये तीन चीजें हमेशा संजो कर रखना, जरूरत पर बहुत काम आएगी।  
१. ज्ञान जहाँ मिले वहां से उठा लो।
२. भरोसा हर किसी का जीतते रहो आगे फायदा होगा।
३. दोस्त बनाते रहो क्यूंकि कोई ये नहीं जनता के किस समय किस कंधे की जरूरत पद जाये।

Santa Jokes

Santa ko raat me cigarette peene ka man kiya.

sab taraf machis dhoonda, par kahi nhi mila
.
.

aakhir me nirash hoke candle bujha k so gaya..!!

Santa Ki Wife Mar gai
Banta Usko Chup Karane K Bad-Tuje Kuch Chahiye
Santa-Jaldi Laptop Le Aa
Banta-Q?
Santa-Facebook Pe Status Change Karke Single Krna H

Santa everest pr gya
waha 1 baba pahle se baitha tambaku ragad raha tha
santa-baba ye kya hai
baba-masala
Santa- Oh O to Evrest Masala ap hi bnate ho

Pappu ki roti par se chuha gujar gaya
Pappu: Ab mein ye roti nahi khaunga

Santa: Kha le beta chuhe ne kon si chapplen pahni hui thi.

Santa ne ek aadmi ko tamacha mar diya.?
Aadmi: Mene kya galti ki ?
Santa: Tum saale galti karo uske liye hum intezaar thodi karenge.

Santa: Yaar mai toh Mushkil me pad gaya.

Banta: Kaise?

Santa: Biwi make up kare to kharcha bardasht nahi hota aur make up na kare to biwi bardasht nahi hoti.

English Jokes Funny

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

Banta ped pe chada to upar baithey Bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya? Banta: Apple khane. Bandar: Yeh to aam ka ped hai. Banta: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hoon.

Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles. Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'

Santa suffering from cold was shivering. His son called a doc. Doc: wht happened? Son: Bimari da ta pata nahun par baapu saver da VIBRATION mode te lagaya hai

Jeeto & Preeto were talking about their new milkman. Jeeto: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly. And so quickly too!, said Preeto

While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole. Banta: R u ok? Santa: Yeah! Banta: Did u break anything? Santa: No, there's nothing down here

Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for this? Shopkeeper: Rs 500 Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.

Banta: Oye, tu to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua? Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai.

Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day. Banta asked: What are you doing? Santa: Drying sweat

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don't know shit ?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
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When a woman discovered that she was pregnant, her four-year-old son overheard his parents' conversation.

He didn't say anything until a week later when a family friend asked him if he was excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister.

"Yes," said the boy, "and I know what we're going to name it. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Emily, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!"
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In a Nursery School Canteen, there was a basket of Apples with a notice written over it: Do not take more than one, God is watching.
On the other counter there was a box of chocolates. A small child went & wrote on it: Take as many as u want, God is busy watching the Apples.
Moral: NEVER ACT SMART WITH today's generation...!!!

KID: Why some of your hairs are white, Dad?
DAD: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white...
KID: Now I understand why Grandpa's all hairs are white...
Moral: Don't be over smart with today's kids!

Child: Mummy why Gandhiji had no hair on his head?
Mummy: Because he spoke truth only.
Child: Now I understood why ladies have long hairs...
The moral remains the same!

New 'Pappu' Jokes

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of manure.

A little boy, Pappu, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Manure," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked Pappu.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," Pappu advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

Pappu shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.

On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Pappu, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Pappu, how many times have you seen a red duck?"

Young Pappu replied with, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping. It was found by Pappu and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny and strange. When I lost my bag there was a 500 rupee note in it. Now there are ten 50 rupee notes."

Pappu quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

English Funny Jokes

A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"
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Dronacharya: The Mentor. The employee who doesn't like working himself but is always ready to guide and train new joiners.

Bhishma: The Loyal. The employee in a relatively senior position who happily assists the boss in spite of knowing his incompetence (because of some strange oath maybe)

Dhritarashtra: The blind boss. He knows that everything is wrong with his project but will still let it function, without making any changes to the current processes.

Gandhari: The Yesmen/Women. Boss's immediate juniors who know that they are a part of an evil plan but will stay blindfolded and pretend as if nothing is happening.

Yuddhisthira: The ethical guy. Poor chap would never fudge timesheets and call in sick only when he is dying.

Bheema: The angry resource. Always ready to pick up a fight with his peers, subordinates or even the bosses.

Arjuna: The cool dude. The star performer who also knows how to sell his skills. A natural charmer, very famous among the ladies.

Nakul & Sahdev: The good average resource. No one notices them. They keep doing their work and get average appraisals.

Duryodhana: The Bully. Knows how to get work done, by hook or by crook. Doesn't mind threatening the likes of Nakul and Sahdev to get his work done.

Karna: The unsung hero. The best performer in the office but never claims credit for his work. Stays an unsung hero for all his life. Girls take him for a snobbish nerd.

Shakuni: The evil plotter. Copies management in every mail. Escalates every trivial issue, sometimes to take credits and sometimes purely for fun.

Dhristadyumna: The One inning wonder. The one who performs an extraordinary feat, and then basks in the glory of it for the rest of his life.

Draupadi: The shared resource. Keeps hopping projects on boss's advice.

Krishna: The Ultimate Boss (MD/CEO) who knows that it is his game while he makes everyone believe that they are playing important roles too.

Who says history never repeats. It does everyday.
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If the loser smiles after losing the game, the winner loses the thrill of his victory!!!
That's the power of Smile !!!

Behind every Successful Man there is a Woman....
Because Women don't run behind Unsuccessful Men!!!

'Sympathy'... You can get from Anybody.
But... 'Jealousy'.... You have to Earn it!!!

Drink 5 cups of milk and try to push the wall.
And then drink 5 cups of alcohol and watch... It'll move on its own!!!

Only 3 living beings are immune to cold on earth:
1. Polar bears
2. Penguins
3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless at marriages in India !!!
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A rabbit escaped from a research laboratory where he had lived since birth. He joined a group of wild rabbits and lived their lives for a day. He fed on juicy carrots, fat lettuces and sighed with pleasure.

"This is life!" he exclaimed.

"So you are going to live with us?" asked the others.

"I wish I could but I really must get back to the laboratory. I am dying for a cigarette."

Funny Jokes

एक दिन एक मरीज़ बहुत जल्दी में एक डॉक्टर के पास आया।

मरीज: डॉक्टर साहब, जल्दी कुछ करो, मेरे पैरों पर एक औरत ने गाड़ी चढा दी।

डॉक्टर ने अच्छे से सब कुछ चेक किया और पाया कि मामूली चोट है पर मरीज बहुत घबराया हुआ है।

डॉक्टर: ओ हो, भाई अॉपरेशन करना पडेगा, बहुत खर्चा आयेगा तैयार हो?

मरीज: कुछ भी करो जल्दी करो। कमीनी ने मरा सोच कर उठाया भी नही।

इतने में ही डॉक्टर की पत्नी का फोन आया।

डॉक्टर: हैलो।

पत्नी: हैलो छोड़ो, ये बताओ मैं क्या करूं? मुझसे कार चलाते वक़्त एक आदमी मर गया, जै हिंद चौक पर।

डॉक्टर थोड़ी देर खामोश रहा फिर उसने पूछा, "आदमी ने कपड़े कैसे पहन रखे थे?"

पत्नी: हरी टी शर्ट और काली पैंट।

डॉक्टर: ओ तो उसे तुमने मारा है। पुलिस खूनी को तलाश करती हुई घूम रही है।

पत्नी(घबराते हुए): हे भगवान, तो अब मैं क्या करूं?

डॉक्टर: करना क्या है, 4-6 महीने के लिए मायके भाग जा जल्दी।

पत्नी: ठीक है मैं अभी जा रही हूँ।

मरीज: डॉ साहब करो ना कुछ।

डॉक्टर: अरे भाई कोई गोली नही लग गई तुम्हें, ये ले रूपये और चार बियर ले आ, दोनो पियेंगे, और हाँ ये हरी टी शर्ट निकाल के जा।
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एक बार पठान को किसी मामले के लिए गवाह के तौर पर अदालत में पेश किया गया।

वकील ने पठान से जोर से चिल्लाते हुए पूछा, "क्या ये सच नहीं कि तुमने इस मुक़दमे के समझौते के लिए 5 लाख रुपये लिए हैं?

क्या तुम इस बात को स्वीकार करते हो?

पठान पर उसकी बात का कोई असर नहीं पड़ा और वो खिड़की से बाहर देखने लगा जैसे उसने कुछ सुना ही न हो।

"क्या ये सच नहीं कि तुमने इस मुक़दमे के समझौते के लिए 5 लाख रुपये लिए हैं?" वकील ने फिर चिल्लाते हुए पूछा।

पठान ने फिर भी कोई जवाब नहीं दिया।

आखिरकार वकील जज के सामने गिड़गिड़ाने लग गया और कहा इससे कहें कि ये मेरे प्रश्न का जवाब दे।

तब जज ने कहा कि सर प्लीज इनके प्रश्न का जवाब दे।

पठान थोड़ा सा हैरानी से कहने लगा, "मुझे तो लग रहा था कि इतनी देर से वो ये सब आप से पूछ रहा है।
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एक अभिनेता अपनी एक परिचित युवती के साथ मेकअप रूम में बैठा बातचीत कर रहा था। युवती ने बातचीत में पूछा, "तुम्हारी पत्नी का क्या हल है, अब वह तुमसे झगड़ा नहीं करती?"

"अब मैं मजे में हूं।" अभिनेता ने मुंह पर मुस्कान लाते हुए कहा, "मेरी पत्नी को मेरा सबसे अच्छा दोस्त ले भागा है।"

"क्या वह खूबसूरत था?" युवती ने पूछा।

"मालूम नहीं, मैं उसे जनता नहीं।" अभिनेता ने मासूम सा चेहरा बनाकर कहा।

"तो फिर वह तुम्हारा सबसे अच्छा दोस्त कैसे हुआ?" युवती ने आश्चर्य से पूछा।

"उसने सबसे बड़ी मुसीबत से मेरी जान छुड़ाई है।" अभिनेता ने चैन की सांस लेकर कहा।

Santa Banta Jokes

संता: जल्दी से यहाँ एक एम्बुलेंस भेज दीजिये, मेरे दोस्त को एक गाडी ने टक्कर मार दी है। उसके नाक से और कान से खून बह रहा है। शायद उसकी टांग भी टूट गयी है।

ऑपरेटर: आप किस जगह पर हैं कृपया वो बता दीजिये।

संता: Connaght Place में।

ऑपरेटर: आप मुझे स्पेलिंग बता दीजिये?

आगे से कोई आवाज़ नहीं आई।

ऑपरेटर: सर क्या आप को मेरी आवाज़ आ रही है?

दूसरी तरफ से अभी भी कोई आवाज़ नहीं आई।

ऑपरेटर: सर प्लीज, जवाब दीजिये, क्या आप मुझे सुन रहे हैं?

संता: हाँ- हाँ माफ़ करना, मुझे Connaght Place के स्पेलिंग नहीं आते, इसलिए मैं उसे घसीट कर Minto Road पर ले आया हूँ। आप Minto Road के स्पेलिंग लिखो।
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एक बार संता बार में बैठकर कागज पर कुछ गुणा-भाग कर रहा था और पागलों की तरह हँस रहा था। तभी वहां बंता आया और उसने संता से पूछा, "क्या हुआ संता, तुम इतने खुश क्यों हो?"

संता (हँसते-हँसते): ओ यार, आजकल मेरी पत्नी डाइटिंग पर है और पिछले 4 दिनों में उसने 5 किलो वजन घटा लिया है।

बंता: तो फिर इसमें इतना हँसने वाली क्या बात है?

संता: ओ यार, अभी-अभी मैंने सारा हिसाब लगाया है कि अगले 4 महीनों में वह पूरी तरह से गायब हो जाएगी।
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एक दिन बंता जब संता से मिलने गया तो उसने देखा कि संता बहुत परेशान है। उसने संता से उसकी परेशानी का कारण पूछा।

बंता: क्या हुआ बड़ा परेशान लग रहा है?

संता: हाँ यार थोड़ी तबियत ख़राब है।

बंता: क्या हो गया? डॉक्टर को दिखाया तुमने?

संता: थोड़ा दिल में दर्द हो रहा है। डॉक्टर मेहता को दिखाने जा रहा हूँ।

बंता: पर वो तो बच्चों के डॉक्टर हैं।

संता: हाँ पर इसका इलाज़ वही कर सकते हैं।

बंता: तू पागल हो गया है क्या? दिल का इलाज़ दिल का डॉक्टर करेगा। बच्चो का डॉक्टर नहीं।

संता: यार तुम नहीं समझेगा डॉक्टर मेहता ही मेरा इलाज़ कर सकेंगे।

बंता: वो कैसे?

संता: तुमने सुना नहीं 'दिल तो बच्चा है जी'।
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एक बार एक गाँव में तीर-अंदाज़ी की प्रतियोगिता चल रही रही थी। 3 नकाबपोश आदमी उसमे भाग लेने के लिए आये।

पहले नकाबपोश ने तीर चलाया और तीरा लक्ष्य के ठीक बीचों-बीच जाकर लगा। आदमी ने अपना नक़ाब उतारा और बोला, "मैं रॉबिन हुड हूँ।"

लोगों ने खूब तलिया बजायी और उसका स्वागत किया।

फिर दूसरे नकाबपोश ने तीर चलाया तो तीर लक्ष्य के बीच लगे रॉबिन हुड के तीर को चीरता हुआ चला गया। उसने अपना नक़ाब उतार और बोला, "मैं विलियम टेल हूँ।"

अब तीसरे आदमी ने तीर चलाया तो तीर लक्ष्य से बहुत दूर जाकर गिरा। आदमी ने अपना नक़ाब उतारा तो संता था। सभी लोग उसे घूर-घूर कर देख रहे थे तो संता बोला, "माफ़ करना दोस्तो मैं सीख रहा हूँ।"

Hindi Jokes

Hindi Films

हिन्दी फिल्मों में कुछ बेवकूफ़ियाँ!
कभी आपने सोचा है कि आपकी मनपसंद फिल्मों में भी कितनी छोटी- बड़ी बेवकूफियाँ की गई हैं। पढ़िए कुछ सुपरहिट फिल्मों की गलतियाँ�

रा-वन:
फिल्म में शाहरुख दक्षिण भारतीय बने हैं, लेकिन जब उनकी मौत होती है तो उन्हें ईसाई परम्परा के अनुसार दफनाया जाता है, लेकिन बाद में हम देखते हैं कि उनकी अस्थियाँ पानी में बहाई जा रही हैं।
- हाँ भई, सभी को खुश रखना पड़ता है न!

अमर अकबर एंथोनी:
तीन लोग एक साथ एक ही महिला के लिए रक्तदान कर रहे हैं।
- अरे भई, साइंस इमोशन से बढ़कर थोड़े ही है!

लगान:
यह फिल्म 18वीं सदी की कहानी है और उस वक्त एक ओवर में 8 गेंदें हुआ करती थीं। लेकिन फिल्म में एक ओवर में 6 गेंदें दिखाई गई हैं।
- शायद 8 गेंदों से फिल्म और भी लंबी हो जाती !

बागबान:
अमिताभ बच्चन और हेमा मालिनी होली के तुरंत बाद 6 महीनों के लिए अलग हो जाते हैं यानि मार्च से लेकर सितंबर तक के लिए। लेकिन इन्हीं 6 महीनों में वे वेलेंटाइन-डे मना लेते हैं, जो फरवरी में आता है और करवाचौथ मनाते हैं, जो अक्सर अक्टूबर में पड़ता है।
- क्या करें वक्त कम था इमोशन ज्यादा!

क्रिश
फिल्म में ऋतिक दो साल के लिए विदेश जाते हैं, लेकिन इसी दौरान प्रीति गर्भवती हो जाती हैं।
- इस पर भईया नो कमेंट!

प्यार तो होना ही था
काजोल पब्लिक टॉयलेट यूज करने के लिए ट्रेन से एक स्टेशन पर उतरती हैं और उनकी ट्रेन छूट जाती है।
- बेचारी को शायद पता नहीं होगा कि ट्रेन के हर कंपार्टमेंट में चार टॉयलेट होते हैं!

शोले
जया बच्चन पूरी फिल्म में लालटेनें जलाती रहती है क्योंकि गांव में बिजली नहीं है। तो भई यह बताओ कि वीरूजिस टंकी पर चढ़कर आत्महत्या कर रहा था, उसमें बिना बिजली के पानी ठाकुर चढ़ाता था?

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Procedure To Follow Karna Padta Hai

Bank mein customer ne cheque dete hue poochha ki "Madam yeh kitne dino mein clear ho jaayega"

Madam: Kam se kam do-teen din lagenge.

Customer: Lekin madam itna time kyon lagega? Jis bank ka cheque maine diya hai woh to saamne waali duilding mein hi hai.

Madam (Bade hi shaant swar mein) : Sir main aapko kaise samjhun, procedure to follow karna hi padta hai na. Maan leejiye ki aap shamshaan ke saamne hi mar jaate hain to ghar waale aapki laash ko ghar le jaayenge ya wahin saamne nipta denge. Boliye?
Customer behosh!

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Bade Dil Wala

कितना बड़ा दिल
आदमी का दिल कितना बड़ा होता है और औरत
का कितना छोटा !
आप खुद ही देख लीजिए !
औरत के दिल में सिर्फ़
उसके लवर, अपने पति और अपने बच्चों के लिए ही जगह
होती है,
लेकिन आदमी के दिल में तो
अपनी लवर
दोस्त की लवर
भाई की लवर
पड़ोसी की लवर
बीवी की सहेली
बहन की सहेली
पड़ोसन की सहेली
अपनी साली
भाई की साली
साले की साली
साली की सहेली
सामने वाली
पीछे वाली
बाजू वाली
उपर वाली
नीचे वाली
सब्जी वाली
दूध वाली
कपड़े वाली
काम वाली
और आख़िर में थोड़ी बहुत अपनी पत्नी के लिए भी जगह
होती है
सच में, आदमी का दिल बहुत बड़ा होता है !

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Sorry Ki Spelling

Ek Boodha ek ladki se takra gaya.
Boodhe ne ladki se bola: Sorry!

Ladki: Andha hai kya..... Dikhta nahi hai... Is umar mein bhi ye sab... Pata nahin kahan se aa jaate hain!!!
Yeh bolkar jaise hi woh ladki aage badhi, ek handsome sa ladka us se takra gaya.
Ladka: Sorry...
Ladki, sharmaate hue, "Koi baat nahin. it's okay!!!

Woh boodha yeh sab dekh raha tha. Usne aakar ladki se poochha: MERI SORRY KI SPELLING GALAT THI KYA??

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Jinn Bana Bewakoof

Pakistani, American aur Indian ek ship mein ja rahe the..

Achaanak ek Jinn aaya aur bola: "Samundar mein koi cheez pheko, agar maine dhoondh li to main tumhein maar dunga aur na dhoondh paya to main tumhara Gulam".

Pakistani ne sui phenki.

Jinn ne dhoondh li aur use maar diya.

American ne memory card pheka.
Jinn ne dhoondh liya aur use bhi maar diya.

Indian ne kuchh phenka...
Ginn ne bohot dhoondha, dhoondh dhoondh ke thak gaya aur poochhne laga.
"Batao mere aaka main haar gaya"

(Socho Indian ne aisa kya phenka hoga ki jinn uska gulam ban gaya?)
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Indian bola: "Main bhi tera baap hoon, maine Disprin ki goli fenki thi,
Chal Beta, ghar chal bohot kaam pada hai"

JINN Shocked & INDIAN ROCKED

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Murgi Ki Shaadi

Ek murgi ne ek Baaj se shadi kar li
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To ek Murga bola : Hum mar gaye the kya??
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Murgi Boli : Mai to tumse hi shadi karna chahti thi, lekin Mom-Dad chahte the ki mera pati Air-Force me ho

Sardar Jokes

Santa Rocks

Santa tez baarish mein doctor ke paas gaya

Santa: Doctor saab ghar par checkup ki kya fee hai?
Doctor 300/-
Santa: Phir jaldi chaliye doctor saab.
Doctor ne car nikali aur dono Santa ke ghar pahunch gaye.
Doctor: Mareez kahan hai?
Santa: Mareez-wareez koi nahi hai, mua taxy wala ghar tak jaane ke 500/- maang raha tha aap 300/- mein le aaye.
Santa Rocks!
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Bandi Sardar

Santa was caught by Mughal soldiers and they took him to their king Akbar.

Akbar: Kaun ho tum?
Santa: Jahanpanah, main Santa hun.

Akbar: Itni raat tum hamare mahal ke paas kya rahe the?
Santa, ghabraate hue: Ji... main...vo... kuchh nahin.. bas aise hi...

Akbar: Sipahiyon, isko bandi bana do...
Santa pleads: Nahin Jahanpanah, aisa mat kariye, please mujhe banda hi rehne do.
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Sardar In Zoo

A tiger killed a Sardar in zoo.
A man asked why did u killed only Sardar in crowd?
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Tiger- Aur kya karta� kab se bakwaas kar raha tha
�inni wadi billi�

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Medical Test

Santa ki maa beemaar ho gayi. Santa unhein le kar hospital gaya.

Doctor ne examin karne ke baad kaha "Inke kuchh test honge"

Santa : "He bhagwan ab kya hoga, meri maa to anpadh hai."
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Einstein And A Punjabi

Einstein and a Punjabi sitting next to each other on a long flight..

Einstein says,"Let's play a game.. I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.."

Einstein asks the first question: What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon..?

Punjabi doesn't say a word, reaches his pocket, pulls out a $5..

Now, it's the Punjabi's, turn..

He asks Einstein: What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs..?

Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart friends. After an hour he gives Punjabi $500..

Einstein going nuts and asks: Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

Punjabi reaches his pocket and gives Einstein $5
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Santa applied in a medical college

Santa applied in a medical college but never cleared it as these were his answers:

Antibody: one who hates his/her body�.!
Artery: Study of painting�.!
Bacteria: Back door of cafeteria�.!
Coma: punctuation mark..!
Gall bladder: Bladder of a Girl�.!
Genes: Blue Denim�.!
Labor pain: hurt at work�.!
Ultrasound: Radical Sound�.!
Cardiology: advance study of playing cards

Santa Banta Sardar Jokes

Doctor:Kamjori hai, Fruite khaya karo chilke sahit
after 1 hour
Santa: Mere Pet me Dard ho raha hai
Doctor: Kya khaya tha?
Santa: Pineapple, chilke sahit

Santa: Sabse bhari durghatna kya ho sakti hai
Banta: Agar koi potty dhone ke dibbe me Tejab dal de..

In n exam, a gal sitting on desk next to santa asked, "Mujhe is answer ki starting batado baki main likh lungi"
Santa said, "The answer of this question is, baki tum likhlo"

Santa: Mera ghar itna bada hai ki usme local train chalti hai.
Banta: Yeh to kuchh bhi nahi hai, mera ghar itna bada hai ki agar ek se dusre kone chale jaao to roaming lagti hai.

Jagjit Singh: Ye daulat bhi lelo.. ye shaurat bhi lelo.. ye daulat b lelo, ye shaurat b lelo...
Santa: Ye bechara bahut pareshan hai iski aurat bhi lelo

Santa to Son: "maths vich fail kyu hoya"..
Son: 1st day teacher kendi 5+3=8..
Agle din kendi 6+2=8..
fir kendi 4+4=8
ullu di pathi khud confusd hai mujhe kya padheygi..:-)

Santa : Judge Saab, Mujhe Divorce Chahiye
judge : Kyun?
Santa : Meri Biwi Ne 1 Saal Se Mujhse Baat Nahi Ki
Judge : 1 Bar Phir Sochle Beta, Aisi Biwi Nasib Walo Ko Milti Hai

Santa Bakri Le Kar Bus Mei Sawar Hua
To Logo Ne Uski Bahot Pitai ki
Santa: Mere Sath ek Lady Na Hoti To Tumhe Btata

SANTA : YAAR MERI BIWI MERE DOST KE SAATH BHAG GAYI
BANTA : BAHUT YAAD ATI HOGI USKI FIR
SANTA : HAAN YAAR BAHUT ACHA DOST THA MERA, BAHUT ACHA KAAM KIYA HAI USHNE.

Santa ne Banta se kaha, ”sabse bada challenge kya hai?”
Banta replied – answer sheet ko khali chod do aur last me likh dena,
paas kark dikha

Santa Roasted Chicken Khane K Baad Hadi Chaba Raha Tha,
Pas Baitha ek pandit roti Kha Raha Tha
Pandit Santa se pucha : Tumhare yaha kutte Kya Khate Hai?
Santa: Roti

Jokes on Sardar

 Passenger-Tumne Mere Jeb Me Hath Kyu Dala?

Santa-Muje Machis Chahiye Thi.

Pasen-Tum Mujhse Mang Sakte The.

Santa-Me Ajnabi Se Bat Nhi Karta.

Santa Opened Xerox Shop
And Put A Big Cool Board Outside:
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Xerox Done In All Language

Santa Police Se:
Kal Raat Chor Mere Ghar Se
TV Ke Ilaava Sab Samaan Le Gaye
Police:TV Kyon Nahi Legaya!?
Santa:TV To Me Dekh Raha Tha

Sardar:I''ve Pain In Ma Ryt Leg
Doc:Its Nothin .Its Only Coz Of Old Age.
Sardar:As Far As I Know,
Both Ma Legs R Of Same Age

Fakeer 2 Srdar : Apk Parosi Ne
Pet Bhar K Khana Khlaya
Hai Ap B Kuch Khilao ?

Sardar : Ye Lo Hajimola . . . . .

Salsman-Which Soap U Use?

Santa-BABA''S Soap,
BABA''S Paste,
BABA''S Brush.

Salsman-Is BABA''S A INTRNATIONAL Company?
Santa: Baba Is My Room Mate.

Sardar K Truck K Peechay Likha Tha
"Chota Parivar Sukhi Parivar"
Or Uske Nechay
Tinu, Minu, Chintu, Chinky, Pinky, Guddu, Guddi, Sonu, Monu,
Te Sohan De Papa Di Gaddi!

Santa:Ye Gandhi Bapu Har Note Me Haste Kyu Rehte Hai?
Banta:Simple Hai Yar
Royenge To Note Geela Ho Jayega Na

Banta jokes

SANTA:maine apni beti ka shaadi sirf 1500rs mein kiya.
BANTA:woh kaise?
SANTA:maine use 1500 ka ek mobile dilaaya. usne love marriage karliy

Santa- muje zehar dena
Chemist- pehle Dr. Se lekhwa k lao.
Santa-apni shaadi ka card dikhata h.
Chemist- bus kar bhai rulayega kya,badi bottle du ya
chhoti.

Master- 2 me se 2 gye to kitne rhe?
Sardar-samjh me nhi aya masterji.
Mster-Beta tumare pas 2 Roti h,tumne 2 roti khali,tumare pas kya bacha?
Sardar-sabji..!

2 Sardar train k piche bhaag rahe the..
Ek chadh gaya, to train me logo ne kaha"WELL DONE"

Sardar-khak wel done,Jana to use tha,

Mai to chhodne aya tha!!

Santa-What's D Difference Between Mother's & GF's Tears?

Classic Answer By Banta-

Mother's Tears Effect Our HEART & GF's Tears Effect Our POCKET...

Read more:http://www.latestsms.in/latest-funny-jokes-santa-banta.htm#ixzz3EDOCS4dm

Sms Jokes In english

Once Upon a Time, Something happened to me.
It was the sweetest thing that ever could be.
It was a fantasy, a dream come true
it was the day I met you.

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Love is like a cloud...
love is like a dream...
love is 1 word and everything in between...
love is a fairytale come true...
Coz I found love when I found U.

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Roses are red, violets are blue,
I was born beautiful,
but what the hell happened to you?

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Girls are like phones,
we like to be held and talked too,
but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

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We will now upgrade your brain,
please wait....
Searching....
searching...
still searching....
sorry,
NO BRAIN found...!

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Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But the roses r wilting, the violets r dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head!

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This sms can only be read by someone SMART,
try again,
again,
maybe you are..
just not smart??
one more time.
hey don't force it ugly!!!

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Last night I wanted to send you a msg,
But all I could write was,
“noh ss!w !”.
It didn’t make mush sense
Until I read it upside down...

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I'd love to ask how old you are,
but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

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Who said English is easy???
Fill in the blanks with YES or NO.
1.______I don’t have Brain.…
2.______I don’t have Sense.…
3.______I am Stupid....

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A physiological study has proved that
all the fools, donkeys, monkeys
used their thumbs to read the messages
Don’t change your finger know its too late.

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How to keep an idiot entertained
*press down*
…………………………………
How to keep an idiot entertained
*press up*

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FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forget but how U forgive,
Not how U listen but how U Understand,
Not what U see but how U feel,
and not how U Let Go but how U hold on!!!

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WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever

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A Friendship is Sweet when its NEW..
Its Sweeter when its TRUE
But Its Sweetest when the friend is like U.

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Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills,
and kills by his bills.

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense............??
Tell you later........

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Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now...
Sorry I am leaving now, I can't find a brain

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A million words would not bring you back,
I know, because I've tried.
Neither would a million tears.
I know, because I've cried.

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Hey friend remember that without stupidity
there can be no wisdom and
without ugliness there can be no beauty.
so the world needs YOU after all!

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Minds are like Parachutes.
They work best when open

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If I could rearrange the alphabet,
I'd put U and I together

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Aim for the stars.
But first, aim for their bodyguards

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ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction

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Why were males created before females?
Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy

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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog,
to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog,
for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ...
Now read without the word dog.

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All day I thought of you....
I was at the zoo.

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CNN News.
Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama.
FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

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Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

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Hi there, I'm a human being!
What are you?

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Brains aren't everything.
In fact in your case they're nothing

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I heard someone whisper your name,
but when I turned around to see who it was,
I notice I was alone,
then I realize it was my heart
telling me that I miss you.